The Hater

October 17, 2003 - 10:28 p.m.

Last Five Entries:
The Party's Over
July 11, 2004
The Next Day
2004-03-31
My Nervous Breakdown
2004-03-30
True Confessions: My Life as a Female Impersonator
March 15, 2004
Bite Me
February 29, 2004

Contact:

I've been reading several diary entries that discuss negative feedback that readers leave as to the content of the diaries.

At times I have randomly clicked on diaries. I've read many entries that I did not enjoy, or made no sense to me. Usually, upon reading such a diary, I merely stop reading it and move to another diary. My general reasoning is that if I don't feel I have anything useful to communicate to the author, then I shouldn't communicate anything. I also tend to view reading others' diaries as a privilege, rather than a right. I thus have no right to complain about any of the diaries.

However, today I've changed my mind. Since I'm so damn smart about everything, I feel obligated to force my opinions on the rest of the world. In the words of that great philosopher, Dick Solomon: "Some are born with greatness, some achieve greatness, and some thrust their greatness upon others."

I therefore enjoin you to follow these rules when posting your future diary entries:

1. Don't share the small details of your life. Your entries should be either melodramatic, or funny. You're writing in your diary for me, and not for yourself, and I need to be entertained.
2. Don't write about your sex life, or tell anything positive about your romantic life. It will just make me feel inadequate.
3. Refer to me often in your diary entries. Whenever you make a statement or observation, mention what Daily Me
has said/would have said about the topic. This will make me feel important.
4. Do not use a non-standard diary format. Because this confuses me and threatens my fragile grip on reality.
5. Never give an unqualified opinion. Any opinion you express should be qualified with, "I believe that," or "I think that," or "maybe," or "possibily," or "I'm not sure but," or "it's my meek humble opinion that." Because what if I don't agree with you? What then?
6. Remember that whenever you write about something disappointing or unfortunate in your life, I have a story about a life event that is far more tragic and angsty. So your close friend died yesterday? I know how you feel, and you should consider yourself lucky compared to me. My pen ran out of ink a few days ago, and I had to throw it away, and it made me realize how alone and worthless I am in this unjust world.
7. Submit your diary to my diary-review site, which I created to imbue a false sense of legitimacy to my pathetic cries for attention.

And never, ever forget my first rule: My feelings are more valid than yours.