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The Zen of Pissing

April 30, 2003 - 9:45 p.m.

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Last Five Entries:
The Party's Over
July 11, 2004
The Next Day
My Nervous Breakdown
True Confessions: My Life as a Female Impersonator
March 15, 2004
Bite Me
February 29, 2004



I want to tell you about going out on a good note as I left Omega House today. I had a case where I struck an impossibly good deal for my client with the prosecutor, after my Omega House colleagues told me that the prosecutor has a tough-guy complex and it's impossible to deal with him. They've tried many times to deal with him, no dice.

There's no real way to describe this case both adequately and in a way that won't bore anyone who isn't a lawyer. If I don't tell you the story, I can't explain adequately how my style is different and more effective than that of my Omega House colleagues.

So instead, I offer you two playground scenes.

Scene I

Dean: You'd better give some of your marbles to me, because I can piss farther than you, and I'll prove it if you don't give me some of your marbles!

Peter: No way! I can piss farther than you, and I'll bet your marbles and mine on it!

Dean: You don't know what you're talking about, I've been pissing for years. I've pissed farther than every boy at every school I've been to, and I'll piss so much farther than you, you'll cry.

Peter: This is my playground here, and you haven't seen a stream of piss until you've seen my piss. I'm ready to whip it out right now to prove it.

Scene II

Ned: Hey, I need some marbles in a big way. You think you can spare a few?

Peter: Don't you dare come after my marbles. I can piss farther than you, and I'll bet your marbles and mine on it!

Ned: I know you can piss farther than me. I just need a few marbles because my girlfriend sees everyone else with their marbles, and I only have a few, and she's going to leave me. You've won so many marbles by pissing so far. I just need a favor man, a few marbles. I hope you don't make me piss for them, because I don't want you to embarass me.

Peter: Yeah, I guess I do have have so many marbles that I can help you out. Here, take what you need. And if you want to tell your girlfriend you pissed for them, I'll back you up on it.

Unfortunately, I didn't see Dean Wormer and Neidermeyer to tell them about it. I had to settle for a note. Prefacing my gloat about the good deal was:

You don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Prosecutor is a reasonable man. You just have to know how to talk to him.

I enjoyed that.

I hope they enjoy it too. Since I was working in the name of Omega House today, they could try to build on the little bit of goodwill I acheived with the prosecutor.

I have no real confidence in that.

I like Dean Wormer on a personal level. He can be a real nice, fun guy. But when he goes into lawyer mode, he turns into an asshole. He'd do much better with a style that taps into his personal charisma.

So, there's a sense in which I'll miss Omega House. But mostly, I just feel more free.

And I love big endings.

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