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Proper Care and Handling of Your Lawyer

May 5, 2003 - 8:19 p.m.

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So you've decided to hire a lawyer. Good for you! Maintaining a healthy relationship with your lawyer isn't as easy as it may seem. Merely paying his bill on time isn't enough (though it helps a lot). Here are some tips so that you can have a happy, healthy lawyer.

  1. Don't fucking lie to your lawyer.

    Nothing will piss off your lawyer more than when you fucking lie to him. When you tell him one version of facts during your consultation with him, and the completely opposite set of facts comes out at trial, your lawyer will be completely unprepared to help you.

    If you had told him the truth from the beginning, he might have been able to help your sorry ass. He may have been able to negotiate a solution for you, to save you from being reamed at trial. He may have been able to find a way to suppress evidence, so that your dirty little secret would never surface at trial. He might have been able to think of a way to spin the bad fact so that it doesn't sound so bad after all. However, it's a bit too late to consider those solutions in the middle of trial. At that point, the only thing your lawyer can do is mutter, "God fucking dammit to hell."

    Not only will you piss off your lawyer if you fucking lie to him, it is also the best way to sabatoge your case.

  2. Don't lie under oath.

    We all know that Bill Clinton got away with it. But if what you want to do is lie under oath, you need to go hire Bill's damn lawyers, because your lawyer isn't doing pirouettes to pull your ass out of that circle of Hell known as perjury.

    If you hadn't fucking lied to your lawyer, he probably would have developed a trial strategy that would have alleviated any need you had to lie under oath.

  3. Don't blame your lawyer if you don't like the law.

    Your lawyer sympathizes with you about the unfairness of the law. He knows that the legislators who write the statutes are elitists without a touch on reality or an understanding of the needs of the common person. Your lawyer is fully aware that the appellate judges who write caselaw are morally and intellectually bankrupt. He hates them all as much as you do. But that's not your lawyer's fault.

    Your lawyer is unable to change the law for you. If the law says that the sky is blue, then you're stuck with a blue sky. Your lawyer might be able to argue that the sky is cyan, or azure. But don't fucking yell at him when he tells you that he's not going to stand up in court and insist that the sky is orange. Got it?

    If you think you can convince the judge, despite the fact that law clearly states that the sky is blue, that the sky is in fact orange, then do it your damn self, buddy. Your lawyer can spend his time helping his reasonable clients.

    And if you think that the law is so unfair that you're prepared to take it all the way to the Supreme Court, then your lawyer is with you. After you pay for all the hours he's going to waste tilting at those windmills. All up front. Before he lifts a finger.

  4. Let your lawyer negotiate.

    Your lawyer does not negotiate a settlement in your case because he is involved in a conspiracy against you with the other lawyer, your opponent, and the CIA. In fact, your lawyer is working for you, and he wants to win. The reason he's negotiating is probably because he's desperately trying to salvage your case after you sabatoged it by fucking lying. Your lawyer wants to win because he knows that, if you lose after you have sabatoged your case, you're going to fucking blame him for it, and use that as an excuse for not paying your bill.

  5. Don't insist that your lawyer meet with you outside of normal business hours.

    Your lawyer understands that you have to work. What the hell do you think he does all day? If your case is important to you, you need to find an hour during the work day to talk to your lawyer about it. If your case is not so important that you can take an hour of leave from work to meet with your lawyer, then your case probably isn't worth pursuing. And your lawyer isn't going to piss away his personal time listening to your worthless case.

    And especially don't ask your lawyer to meet with you after business hours if you owe him money.

    Because your lawyer can't tell you what he really thinks about that idea. And what he really thinks about that idea is, Bullshit.

By following this simple advice, you and your lawyer will have a happy relationship full of good times. You may even find that a happy lawyer won't bill you $60.00 for the ten seconds that it takes him to put a name label on your file. Pal.

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