To Infinity and Beyond

January 9, 2004 - 12:28 a.m.

Last Five Entries:
The Party's Over
July 11, 2004
The Next Day
2004-03-31
My Nervous Breakdown
2004-03-30
True Confessions: My Life as a Female Impersonator
March 15, 2004
Bite Me
February 29, 2004

Contact:

I read today that George W. Bush is expected to announce next week that he will propose a program to put a permanent settlment on the moon, and a manned space flight to Mars.

After doing my own research of the issue, I can report to you first the following details about Bush's proposal.

Bush's interest in space comes at a time in which he needs election year issues. He has failed to keep any of the promises he made in the last election year. He promised fiscal responsibily and delivered out-of-control deficit spending and a recession; he promised to help education but has slashed education (even as the total budget explodes; he promised to be the great unifier and then told the Democrats to go to hell after the Republicans re-gained Congress; he promised that the U.S. would no longer be a engage in nation building, and then delivered nation-building in Iraq and Afghanistan; he promised prosperity and delivered a recession; and so on.

Thus Bush will propose space exploration over the next decade. By promising a ten year program, it's a promise that cannot be proven a lie while he is still in office.

It's a good strategy. In 1989, Bush's father announced his commitment to a ten-year program to put a permanent settlement on the moon and a manned flight to Mars.

The importance of these space missions is clear. Bush is convinced now that Iraq's weapons of mass-destruction must have been hidden on the moon by Saddam Hussien prior to the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Furthermore, Osama bin Laden is believed to be eluding capture by hiding on Mars.

Scientists believe that life could exist on Mars in the form of one-cell organisms. If such life does exist, Bush has promised a pre-emptive strike against Mars to wipe out all life, preventing it from evolving into a security threat against the U.S. millions of years from now.

The one-trillion dollar price tag of such a space program could be considered prohibitive, despite the fact that the Bush administration has already spent several trillion dollars that it doesn't have. However, Bush has a plan for accomplishing his ambitious space program affordably. Every night, when everyone is asleep, little gnomes will sneak into NASA to magically assemble the spacecraft.