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Lottery Fantasies

February 21, 2004 - 5:37 p.m.

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Last Five Entries:
The Party's Over
July 11, 2004
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2004-03-31
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2004-03-30
True Confessions: My Life as a Female Impersonator
March 15, 2004
Bite Me
February 29, 2004

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Mom woke me up early this morning while I was having a nightmare about not completing my thesis. My nightmares are usually of a I'm-a-failure-in-life theme.

The reason Mom woke me up early is because she needed to ask me, at that precise moment while I was sleeping, if I bought a lottery ticket.

Of course, this is part of what I get by living with my parents. The good is that I pay no rent. The bad is that when something pops into their heads, no matter how trivial, and they want to ask me about it, my life stops to answer them. Whether I'm working, on the phone, or sleeping. It is for this reason that I avoid masturbation.

But today in our otherwise sleepy little town, the question, "Did you buy a lottery ticket?" is the most important question ever. Because the local convenience store, where my Dad and I get gas for our vehicles, sold the $230 million mega jackpot (or whatever) lottery ticket.

Our house has been fielding phone calls from various friends and relatives asking if we won, or know who won. Dad can't get to the convenience store today because it's been swarmed by the media. Of course, everyone hopes it's someone they know, and not someone who was just passing through town. As if knowing the winner entitles one to a piece of the money. There's also a feeling of some great miracle striking oh-so-close, with the wonderment of, "Had I just gone in last night to buy a ticket, that winner could have been me ..." Which of course isn't true; this is a pick-your-own-number lottery, and the location of the seller of the winning lottery ticket has nothing to do with winning the jackpot. And then there's the fact that Stephens City, Virginia, is getting its fifteen seconds of national fame right now (when the media outlets get the name of the town right).

I, like everyone else, have a lottery fantasy- what I would do if I won $230 million dollars. For me, it would look something like this:

  • I would not keep working. Screw that. I'm barely working now anyway. The day I win $230 million is the day I become the laziest man on Earth.
  • I would probably get my doctorate in polical science. The reason I haven't been considering a doctorate a serious option for myself is because I don't think I can afford even more years of school.
  • I would buy myself a secluded house somewhere. Nothing too big or fancy, but comfortable.
  • I'd get rid of my dial-up connection and get DSL.
  • I would do a lot more dating. Money would suddenly make me attractive. As the Chinese proverb goes, "With money in your pocket, you are handsome, wise, and you sing well too."
  • I have a long list of plastic surgery needs that I would meet.
  • I'd set aside a college fund for my nephew, to make sure he could go wherever he wanted. I might do it for all of my cousins' children; but I honestly don't know how many cousins I have. I'd pay off whatever debts my sister might have now, which is at least a mortgage. My parents are homeowners and have no debt, so I can't think of anything to do for them.
  • And I would probably set up scholarship funds at schools with my name on them.
  • I'd do some traveling, mainly to scope out countries to which I might move as the United States moves closer to a totalitarian state. Norway and the Netherlands are on my list. I'd also make tourist-trips to Rennes le Château and the Pyramids in Egypt.
  • I would finance a pornographic movie, which I would write and direct.
  • I would establish my own political action committee. Or perhaps I would just buy political influence directly.
  • And I would spend the rest of my time finishing the short stories that I never finish.

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