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The Pathetic Test

May 9, 2003 - 7:39 p.m.

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March 15, 2004
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February 29, 2004



The Purity Test is that popular little quiz that many of us took in college. The Purity Test lets us know where we stand on the moral continuum. The results have sometimes made us uncomfortable. Some who have taken the test have been aghast to see themselves score lower than the Marquis de Sade. Some, like myself, have been depressed to see ourselves score higher than the Virgin Mary.

I have a problem with the Purity Test. The questions are designed with assumptions about a normal or average life which don't match my life experiences.

Therefore, I have designed my own alternative to the Purity Test. I call it the Pathetic Test. It does not cover all of the issues that the Purity Test covers. The Purity Test includes questions concerning your sexual relations with corpses, your use of your own feces in common household tasks, and the recreational activities that you may have shared with Democratic presidents.

My test focuses exclusively on sexual practices. The focus on sex is what I would call an intellectual curiosity; you might call it psychopatic obsession. As a matter of fact, many psychologists would call it pyschopathic obsession.

The test consists of a series of twenty yes or no questions. For your ease of test-taking, I have attempted to make the questions as neutral to gender and orientation as possible. I actually have done this not only for your ease of test-taking, but also to distance the subject matter of these questions from the actual events in my personal life upon which they are based.

The Pathetic Test

Have you ever:

  1. Had a gap of ten years or more between sexual encounters?
  2. Had sex with someone whom you really didn't find attractive, because you thought that if you didn't do it then, you may never have the opportunity to do it again in your life?
  3. Discovered that your partner had fallen asleep on you in the middle of sex?
  4. Forgiven your significant other, on at least two separte occasions, for sleeping with someone else, because really, what other choice did you have?
  5. Told a potential pagan romantic partner that you were renouncing your Christian faith, to join her coven, because you have heard rumors that pagans dance naked around trees?
  6. Said, "Don't worry about me, I was just happy to please you," three nights in a row?
  7. Read your angsty poetry to a potential romantic partner for the purpose of obtaining a sympathy fuck?
  8. Been at least one hour late for a date with a real person, because you were finishing up a cyber-sex session?
  9. Been in competition with a friend over a potential romantic partner to whom you were both attracted, to have your friend concede on the basis of: "You need it more than I do."
  10. Used this an an opening line: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
  11. Masturbated until something was raw?
  12. Carried condoms in your laptop computer case?
  13. Used tissues, paper towels, or rolled-up socks, stuffed in your clothing to enhance the size of one of your body parts?
  14. Engaged in three separate cyber-sex sessions simultaneously?
  15. Spent more than five minutes window-shopping for a Real DollTM?
  16. Injured your back while trying to give yourself oral sex?
  17. Received pornographic material from a friend because: "You need it more than I do."
  18. Been vitally concerned about whether you can count oral sex as an act of losing your virginity?
  19. Heard your loud neighbors having sex, through the apartment or dorm room wall, and stopped whatever you were doing to listen?
  20. Listed your sexual failures in an online diary?


If you answered yes to 100% of these questions, then you are as pathetic as I am. Don't bother killing yourself; you don't deserve that sweet release.

If you answered yes to 50% - 95% of these questions, there is hope for you yet.

If you answered yes to less than 50% of these questions, I hate you.

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