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The Pathetic Test
May 9, 2003 - 7:39 p.m.
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The Purity Test is that popular little quiz that many of us took in college. The Purity Test lets us know where we stand on the moral continuum. The results have sometimes made us uncomfortable. Some who have taken the test have been aghast to see themselves score lower than the Marquis de Sade. Some, like myself, have been depressed to see ourselves score higher than the Virgin Mary.
I have a problem with the Purity Test. The questions are designed with assumptions about a normal or average life which don't match my life experiences.
Therefore, I have designed my own alternative to the Purity Test. I call it the Pathetic Test. It does not cover all of the issues that the Purity Test covers. The Purity Test includes questions concerning your sexual relations with corpses, your use of your own feces in common household tasks, and the recreational activities that you may have shared with Democratic presidents.
My test focuses exclusively on sexual practices. The focus on sex is what I would call an intellectual curiosity; you might call it psychopatic obsession. As a matter of fact, many psychologists would call it pyschopathic obsession.
The test consists of a series of twenty yes or no questions. For your ease of test-taking, I have attempted to make the questions as neutral to gender and orientation as possible. I actually have done this not only for your ease of test-taking, but also to distance the subject matter of these questions from the actual events in my personal life upon which they are based.
Have you ever:
If you answered yes to 100% of these questions, then you are as pathetic as I am. Don't bother killing yourself; you don't deserve that sweet release.
If you answered yes to 50% - 95% of these questions, there is hope for you yet.
If you answered yes to less than 50% of these questions, I hate you.