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It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

July 23, 2003 - 3:54 p.m.

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Last Five Entries:
The Party's Over
July 11, 2004
The Next Day
My Nervous Breakdown
True Confessions: My Life as a Female Impersonator
March 15, 2004
Bite Me
February 29, 2004



I haven't updated on my online personal ads situation, mainly because nothing has been happening there.

There were two women to whom I was writing regularly. and based solely on the e-mail exchange, I thought I was connecting with both of them pretty well. There was a third woman to whom I was writing, but I finally just ran out of things to say to her- we just weren't finding any topics of mutual interest to write about. I actually had one woman write to me first (rare), but I couldn't find anything in her personal statement that suggested to me that we had potential. I wrote back to her, because I feel I should answer someone who takes the time to write to me, but again I just ran out of things to say to her.

So we're down to two sets of correspondence about which I was excited, and for both I was contemplating whether the time was right to finally at least to suggest live conversation.

And then both of those women stopped writing to me.

Oh well, I eventually determined, that just shows how narrow my perspective is. I thought that we were having meaningul correspondence, while they were coming to the conclusion that the correspondence was too boring to justify the time it takes to write back to me.

The personal ads just weren't going to get me anywhere. And furthermore, using the personal ads was my last great hope for ever having female companionship in my life. There were only two logical options left. I dismissed one of those options, since there's no reason to assume that men are going to be more attracted to me than women.

Therefore, I started visualizing my life of eternal celibacy, to come to grips with it. Accentuate the positive- I'd have my independence, I'd never have to share the bathroom, and I wouldn't have to shave every day.

I would never have to face the difficult situations that a guy like Kobe Bryant faces- whether to remain faithful to his trophy wife, or rape a 19-year-old girl.

I've actually started to get used to the idea that I'd never have a relationship again. Love can only serve as a distraction to the important goals, such as solving the world's social ills (or whatever the hell my goals are).

But today I received an e-mail, from one of those women who stopped writing to me after what I thought had been a great correspondece.

She had stopped writing to me about a month ago. It was a very short e-mail. She acknowledged that it had been a while since we communicated, but she had a big work project she had just finished. So now that she had more free time, she wanted to know if I wanted to have dinner with her this weekend, and she gave me her phone number to call if I was interested.

This made my day. Well, at least for five minutes, because I can't allow myself to enjoy anything too long.

The good news is obvious. I'm (probably) going to have a date. I average about one date per year, and I'm meeting my quota for this year. Also, I at least made enough of an impression on her that she remembered me after a month. (Either that, or she's incredibly desperate.)

There's all kinds of bad news. First, I have to call her. The telephone is an instrument of evil. There's no way I can get around it, though. If I were to try to avoid the phone call, she would deduce (correctly) that I am not a normal person, but indeed a sociopath. I will meditate for fifteen minutes first, visualize the phone call, and make it. And I will have a backup excuse to cut the conversation short if it goes poorly.

Incidentally, I think she was trying to set me up a little bit with the phone call. After I got her e-mail, I wrote back to her. I admitted that first phone contact makes me nervous (a small admission that doesn't reveal the true extent of my hatred for the phone, and might buy me a little patience from her if I really do start to stammer), but that I would give her a call this evening. (I had to commit myself to the course of action in writing, or else I would not go through with it. Now, I have no choice but to make the call, otherwise I would not be going through with something I said I would do.) She wrote back to me, telling me that actually she wasn't going to be home tonight, but she would be checking her messages. I think she didn't want me to call initially so she could talk with me- I think she intended all along that I would get the answering machine, and that would give her a chance to consider my voice before talking to me. This, however, plays right into my hands- I actually have good vocal quality, and leaving a message is as easy for me as giving a speech. It's the phone interaction thing I hate- but if she is going to make a judgment from the message, she's going to think I sound much more confident and socially-adjusted than I really am.

The second problem is going to be the actual date. The problem is that I don't know what I'm supposed to do on a date. As I wrote before, I average about one date a year. First dates never lead to second dates for me. Should I be light, should I be serious? Should I be friendly, should I be flirtatious? Should I be putting my best face forward, or should I be more honest? Should the date end after the actively (e.g. dinner), or are we supposed to talk for hours afterward? Should I tell her if I think I'm enjoying the date, or does that sound desperate?

I don't have a clue about what I'm supposed to be doing on a first date. All I know is that I'm not very good at it.

At least these aren't going to be lingering doubts. I've committed myself to calling (leaving a message) tonight, which leaves me with mere hours to worry about that. And if we're going out this weekend, I have two or three days maximum to worry about being a failure on the date.

I'll be sure to give you the account of the date. It won't even be fake this time.

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